Why Losing Weight SUCKS (Losing 40 lbs)
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And Body positivity did help me lose weight.
It absolutely did. Loving myself at my size and not hating my body helped me do different
things. Right. And I think that ultimately encouraging everybody to embrace themselves
is going to be better long term. [Music] Hey guys, it’s Kat and it’s time for another
episode of True Tea. I wanted the you guys so much for joining me for this episode. I
really loved all of the comments I’ve been getting on my true tea episodes. I love going
through, you know, all the comments while I’m in the back of an Uber and just responding
to people. Some of y’all are clapping back at me, I’m clapping back a little bit, low
key. Um, but I really enjoy that we can have that discussion and I really just want to
really think my comment moderators who have been making things, you know, nice and clean
on my channel and all the people that have stepped forward and left like lengthy, long,
Chunky, heavy comments, you know, with multiple care paragraphs and proper grammar and all
that stuff. I really, I appreciate that a lot. You guys have made my youtube channel feel
a lot more warm and welcoming and I just really wanted to tell you guys, thank you from the
bottom of my heart for the continued support. Um, Church announcements before we jump into
this, I’m going to be at vidcon. I’m going to be doing a fan meeting at vidcon and I
will also be coming out with some exclusive merch at vidcon. Um, so if you’re at vidcon
and you want, you know, some Murchie merch and you want to hang out with me and have
a convusause , um, just join us, you know, at vidcon. Keep your eyes open. I will be
talking a little bit more about march on this channel as the time gets closer and closer.
So yeah. Anyway, I’m a little nervous about having this conversation. Um, I’ve tried to
record this, this video several times, so much like I always suggest we do before we
get into these long as conversations, go to your kitchen, get yourself some tea, it’ll
help you decompose. Now, personally, I am drinking some jade citrus
tea. Love it. I love Teavanna. I have a question for those of you guys who also love teeth
on it, what are your favorite Teavanna flavors? Because I’ve tried lavender, citrus, peach,
tranquility and jade and jade citrus right now and it’s really delicious and I love,
love it. Um, but I want to know what are, what my other options are. So what are your
favorite? Um, Teavana teas. So yeah, leave that in the comment box below or just tea
suggestions in general. Honestly, I’m trying to go through all of my tea before I start
buying new things. You know, I’m trying to Marie Kondo my life and not have it too cluttered,
you know? So let me know what your other favorite is from Teavana are just in case I feel like
switching it up a bit. [Drinks tea] So we’re going to be talking about something
that a lot of you guys have been trying to get me to talk about and I’m honestly recorded
this video like 20 times. This is a rough conversation for me to have and it’s rough
for me because I have a lot of discomfort around these discussions. Um, and so every
time I tried to film a video, it just never goes well. So here we go. We’re going to be
talking about weight loss and specifically my weight loss and how, for me it has not
been that fun. Now I know what a lot of you guys are thinking, um, weight loss. It’s a
thing that we celebrate in this society. When someone starts losing weight, it is a net
positive and we’re very excited about it. And you know, ultimately I’m happy with a
lot of the changes that have come with my body, but I’ve been experiencing a lot of
weirdness. Um, and I, I’m starting to feel a little little
lost and I just kind of want it to sort of share those feelings with you guys because
I know that this is not typically what you hear when people discuss weight loss, right?
So, um, I’ll just tell you guys a little bit about me. I’m, I’m not going to come to you
and say, you know, since I was a teenager I struggled with my weight because to be honest
with you guys, like I always understood that I was bigger than everybody else and I’m not
going to say that there weren’t any days, there weren’t any insecurities and you know,
teasing and things like that. I, I went through all of that. That’s all definitely part of
it. But to be completely honest with you guys, and I know this might be shocking to some
people, oh it’s kind of low key. Looked at, looked at the mirror and been like,
damn, she looks cute. You know, like I’ve always really liked myself and I’ve of course
gone through my little discomforts with my body or whatever. But I’ve always really liked
myself and I think actually me getting to that point where I liked my body was very
much, I think it was really kind of settled in this idea that my body wasn’t going to
change, so I need to accept it the way that it is, if that makes any sense. I don’t really
know if that’s making the most sense, but you know, as a disclaimer side now, let’s
quick disclaimer. We have to do one, we have there, we need to do one, at least once a
video. I’m going to use language and say things in ways that I know some people aren’t going
to like, y’all are going to be upset, some people aren’t going to enjoy it. It’s not gonna be the most Hashtag woke language.
But you know, in these conversations of true tea, I’m trying to be my most honest, my most
real, my most raw, even if I’m wrong, problematic, incorrect, whatever. And always feel like
you can correct me, but I wanted to just speak freely. So don’t, don’t, I’m not saying don’t
correct me if I slip up, but I’m saying, girl, we’re going to be using the language I want
to use. Okay…. We’re going to do this, run it. Um, so anyway, yeah. Um, I, I guess I
thought that my body wouldn’t change. I guess I sort of got to this point where I really
accepted and embraced myself as a larger person and learned that I just kind of had to exist
in that way. You know, when I’ve been trying to record this video, I’ve been trying to
focus a lot on body positivity because obviously body positivity has been part of my platform
and mean it’s not the most apparent part of my platform. But it is part of my platform, you know, I’m
learning to love myself and learn to love my body was a process. Right? And like I said,
I look in the mirror and I said, that’s a cute ass girl. But what’s been happening recently
is my body is changing and that is a more, I guess frustrating than I thought it would
be. You know, when I was younger, I dealt with a lot of my father yelling and screaming
at me because I wasn’t thin enough. Right? Um, my dad decided to become my soccer coach
even though that manhad never played a day of soccer. My Dad is from Boston, he doesn’t
play soccer. He wanted me to do football. And all that stuff, but y’all know, that wouldn’t
have worked. Um, uh, but you know, my dad decided to become the soccer coach because
soccer for me and my mind back then was so like Unisex and gender neutral and all my
girlfriends were in soccer. And so I was like, I want to do soccer too.
Um, my and my dad who knew nothing about soccer, decided to become my soccer coach. And so
my dad really decided to do that because he wanted to yell at me and tell me to, to work
out. And I’ll be honest and say that I had a very unhealthy view of my body for a while,
which is why I had to eventually work to a point of liking myself because my dad used
to not make me feel very good about my body. Um, and that translated into a lot of other
things that I do not want to focus on this video. I mean, I dealt with a lot of weirdness
around what my body looked like. I mean, obviously as a trans person, I dealt with that too.
And I talked about this briefly in other videos, but when I was a teenager, I started to develop
breasts and that made P.E. Very awkward for me because I was in the boys locker room with,
with boobs. Um, and that meant that I was getting, you
know, groped a lot. And so PE became a really sort of frustrating space for me to be in.
Um, and so I didn’t have the most healthy relationship with working out because for
me, those spaces, gyms and things, I’ve always been so gendered. And so, and because of that
for many, I mean right now I probably wouldn’t care as much. But back then those spaces being
so gendered made me feel really odd because I was such a feminine thing in this group
of young teenage boys who didn’t really, who are going through hormones and didn’t understand
the boobs on me, you know. Um, and so that was really rough. And so I didn’t really have
the best relationship with working out. Right. And you know, I kind of, for a really long
time, I came to me working out and exercising. I never really did it for myself. I always
did it for, um, my father or for men. I mean college is really funny because I remember
being in college and not liking myself a lot and thinking, oh my gosh, I’m just so big.
I am just so, so, so big. Right. And a lot of the men that I would date or tried to date
would kind of tell me that I was fat and whenever we’d have an argument there is telling me
that I was fat when I was younger, I was just very impressionable. And you know, when they
would say things like that, I would take it to heart. And it’s so funny because, um, after
I got out of college and I looked at old photos of myself in college, I was so skinny. I was
so, so, so, so, so, so skinny. It was like, it was, it was interesting to
think that at some point I thought that I was massive when I wasn’t, I was not massive
by any means. I wasn’t, you know, this teeny tiny thin girl, but I was definitely not,
you know, massive. Right. And that’s the weird thing too. I mean, even going through through
high school and stuff, it’s like that BMI stuff. Like, yes, I was in larger than other
people, but I wasn’t necessarily unhealthy. Do you know what I mean? Um, and so that was
kind of a frustrating thing for me to kind of looking back, especially at my college
years in my high school years in recognizing, oh, I wasn’t really that overweight. Right.
So getting out of college, I met my ex, right? And this was a man I fell in love with the
first band that I ever fell in love with it. I don’t want to project anything onto him.
I might totally be wrong about this, but when I look back at my relationship, I feel like
my ex was a little bit of a feeder. I feel like my ex, my ex was a chef. He loved to
cook and he always cooked like these really hearty, really intense meals. Right. Um, and
so I gained a lot of weight. And then at the same time I was also on injectable hormones.
And so every time I would go into the doctor, it’d be like, I, I gained like 30 pounds,
you know, every single time. Like that scale got up and up and up and up. And I think at
my highest weight, I was almost 300 pounds. Right. Um, and yeah, that was scary for me,
but I didn’t really, I guess when I’m sitting in it, I didn’t really notice, you know, I
didn’t really notice a weight gain. Right. Um, I noticed those numbers, but I
didn’t really notice the weight gain. Right. And so I kind of didn’t really pay that much
attention to those numbers. Now back then I was also in a place where, because of my
relationship, because of where I lived, I didn’t really go out and have friends and
I focused mostly on my youtube channel. I was hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper
focused on creating content. And we’re not gonna get into the conversation about why
maybe being in that space wasn’t very healthy for me. Watch the rebranding video, the video
that I made about the rebranding of this channel. If you want to know a little bit more about
the unhealthy cycle that I was in when I was living with my ex and working on this youtube
stuff. But long story short, I wasn’t very active and my ex would always come home and
he’d have candy. Now my ex, his love language was gifts giving,
right? The way that he expressed love to me was through cooking me food and through bringing
me candy and they’re giving me sodas and things. And there was always these times throughout
our relationship where I want it to do something different, you know, where I want it to maybe
not drink sugary things. And there was a time where I went vegan and you know, there’s a
time where I went ketogenetic right? And making those changes were so, it was so hard to do
with him because you know, my ex, he worked in a Vegan restaurant, he wanted to come home
and cook, you know, the most hardy carbohydrated food ever. Right? And so it was really hard
for me to make any sort of changes. Right? And there’ll be times where he would bring
me candy and bring me, you know, uh, like, like sugary teas and things like that. And there was like a month where I was like,
I’m not going to drink anything but water. And so what would happen is he would bring
me home these teas and I would put the tea to the side because I wasn’t trying to drink
any sugary drinks. I don’t need a drink. And then that would become an issue where, you
know, he would make me feel bad for not drinking the things that he, he purchased me or not
eating the things that he made for me. Right. And so making any sort of dietary change was
really, really, really hard. Right. So my body and stuff started to change after I went
to vidcon and I met this guy who was a trainer. Um, and I have always sort of wanted to get
back into working out, but I just didn’t really have, um, I guess that push and to be completely
honest with you guys, working out and going to the gym has always been a big place of,
of, uh, insecurity and fear for me. Because again, like I have those memories
of being a teenager in the boys’ locker room with breasts and the awkwardness that happened
with that. I didn’t know how I would fit into, you know, being in a gym or going to a workout
centric space because I probably would have to run into that issue of, you know, not being
a cis women but maybe looking like one. Right. Um, you know, and of course I can now look
at this and think, okay, that was maybe an excuse now that it wasn’t a valid concern,
but it was kind of a little bit of an excuse. Um, and I was really used to giving myself
a lot of excuses. Right? Um, it was used to telling myself that I shouldn’t do this and
I shouldn’t do that. Or, you know, maybe this isn’t important, I’ll do it another day. I mean, I was, I would always do this thing
where I was like, I’m going to start a new diet. I’m going to start it next week, and
I never would start the new diet. Um, and so, um, when I met him, he was very, um, I
want to say pushy, but a little pushy and I was really wanting to do something different,
you know, um, this is around the time where, I mean, I was going to more youtube-y things.
I was being more of a youtuber and I was starting to think a little bit more about my image.
Um, and so I decided to like, you know, just rip the bandage off and just do it right.
And so we started working out and it was really rough at first because I was not used to working
out. Um, I was not used to working out, um, and working out with him. It was really great because I had someone
there to sort of push me. Right. And slowly but surely things became easier and easier
and easier. Right. And around this time I also decided to actually try to go ketogenetic
now I went on a Keto diet. Um, and it honestly, I’ll just be real. Um, I want it to get some
fat off of my tummy. And I looked up diets that would help me do that. And then I decided
go Keto. Cause that’s one of the things that popped up. And so I went Keto and honestly…
keto was fine. The food was really hardy. I really love the food. I did die. doctors.com
they’ll get, they give you like a, like a set menu that you’re supposed to work off
of. And it was fine, but I was passing out all the time. I was passing out all the time. Right. Um, and it just, and for me that just,
that was just my body telling me, don’t do this, this and this is not what you should
be doing. Right. And so, you know, I stopped, I’ve stopped being Quito. Um, and it was easy
for me to stop being Quito cause my partner wasn’t. Um, and when eventually I broke up
with him and I moved to Los Angeles, I decided to go ketogenic again. But much of the same
thing, but this time around is some things change because I could actually buy my own
food, right? Like living alone and living on my own space, you know, I have no reason
not to eat certain things. You know, I have everything that’s in this, this space is something
that I’ve put in it, you know. And so I had a lot of excuses. My partner wasn’t Keto and
maybe that’s why I wasn’t either. Um, you know, but this time around I really
didn’t have an excuse anymore, you know, so I tried it. It didn’t really work out for
me. I kept passing out still, but I definitely internalized a lot of those sort of things,
you know, not eating a lot of breads. And if you go out to get drinks, if you have to
get a cocktail, get you know, a, a vodka soda or maybe some red wine, which is why I drink
red wine. Um, and so I kind of stuck to a lot of those things. And that’s what I really
started to notice changes. Now. The changes that I noticed were very interesting to me
because I had not really felt this way before. You know, when I was living with my ex, we
would almost nonstop eat a lot of fast food, right? We would eat these big burgers, you
know, all the time and fries and we would go to Carl’s Jr cause it’s Carl’s junior right
down the street. And sometimes we didn’t want to cook. Um,
my ex was Italian and his, his mom would always make lasagna and give it to us. You know,
we ate a lot of very big hearty carby foods. And once I started to actually change what
I was eating, it was interesting because I felt that I was desiring those things a lot
less, you know, so I would go and order a burger and I maybe would eat the whole burger,
but I wouldn’t eat the fries. Right. And that was an interesting thing for me to, to notice
that, like, my body didn’t want this, you know? Um, I remember there was a time last
vidcon actually where I got this, we got like a little Starbucks card to get some stuff
at the store, right? And I got like this, the, the sugary, you know, frappuccinos that
I would always get. And it was just so sticky discussing sweet.
It was so just sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. And I did not want it. Right? And so
what I actually start to desire changed, right? What actually started to, to want in my body
started to change a lot, right? And so as a result of that, I’ve been losing a lot of
weight and that has been interesting for me. Now I kind of told you guys, I went through
all that whole story, right? But I want to make it clear that a lot of the changes that
happened, we’re not changes that happened out of me hating myself. Like I said, I like
my body, I liked myself, but, um, I just want to do something different. You know, I’ve
always enjoyed trying new things and seeing if they stick and seeing if there are things
that I want to incorporate into my life. Right. Um, and honestly, when I moved out
here, I was like, I can be in more control of my diet, right? And so I started like making
my own stuff and I just changed what I was eating, you know? And that definitely resulted
in me losing weight. And it wasn’t like I was trying to lose weight because I thought,
oh my gosh, my body is so terrible and I’m just so fat and ugly and this is just so bad.
It was more like I wanted to do something different and I was like this different things.
It felt better for me. I felt better working out, made me feel better. You know, when I
started having a normal, you know, well, semi normal, let me not lie. I do like a one training
session a week with my trainer and that’s it. I wish I had a more regular working schedule,
but just that alone, that alone, having a more normal, regular workout schedule changed
my sleeping habits. I used to be such a bad, um, insomniac, where
I’d stay up so late and when you work like I do, you work for yourself, you, you really
have no reason, you know, to go to bed at a decent time. But now when I started working
out, I start to find that I was going to bed at a reasonable time all the time and I felt
better. Right? I just felt better. Right. And working out, I was able to build up my
strength a little bit and I just, I was able to sort of work out and you guys know, I’m
always talking about the apocalypse and low key. When my, um, trainer and I started to
to train, he was like, what are your goals? And I was like, I want to survive the apocalypse.
I watch away too much Walking Dead. And I’m always thinking about, well what if I need
to to climb up a a gate or something? And I couldn’t do that. And so a lot of our
workouts were kind of, you know, we did calisthenics all, it was very much focused on that. And
it was just me wanting to do more and actually function better. Right? I watched a lot of
k pop, I want to be able to do these k-pop dances. Right? It wasn’t me trying to do these
changes because oh my gosh, my body as a large, my large body isn’t valid. It was more like
I want to do these things that continue to make me feel better. And you know, like I
said, one of the side effects of that is I have lost weight. Um, so now as of now I’ve
lost about 40 pounds. Um, probably more. But that last time I checked it was about 40 pounds. And let’s get now to the downside of that
because I do feel better. I do feel better than I did years ago. So many things feel
better for me. Right? But some things have changed, right? [Drinks tea] So I’m the kind of person, um, not all the
time, but sometimes, especially like if I’m doing a talk or something, I really need to
have everything on point. And if I don’t have everything on point, it’s hard for me to walk
into a situation with confidence, you know? Um, and so, you know, I’m used to having dresses
that I like to wear my nails looking like this, my shoes fitting like that and dah dah
dah dah dah dah. And the set lift, the feeling of clothes just fit me is like, it gives me
so much relief. Right. And one of the first things I started to notice was that the clothes
that I used to wear that wear like tight, sexy clothes did not fit me anymore. And it was a really bizarre feeling because
even though I understood that I had lost weight, I didn’t feel different. I didn’t feel like
I had lost weight. I mean, I obviously knew that I had, but I still kind of saw myself
in the same way. And to be honest with you guys, if I hadn’t been taking so many photos
of myself, I wouldn’t actually see my weight loss. You know, if I wasn’t on camera so much,
I wouldn’t actually see my weight loss. Right. Um, and so putting on clothes that don’t fit
me anymore, but used to fit me really well. It was a really, I can’t even describe it.
It was just a very unsettling feeling, you know, it was like almost like what, who’s
body is this almost, you know? And around that time where my clothes started fitting,
I also became really, really, really broke. I don’t talk about this enough, but I’m very
broke. Um, and obviously I’m someone who goes out a lot. I like to socialize. I like to
be out of here. And so I needed new clothes, but I couldn’t afford new clothes. So, um,
that’s when I started actually sewing again though. Some of you guys who follow me on
Twitter, you know, that I, sew. um, and I’ve been doing not because I can’t afford to buy
new clothes. Um, and so actually I made this outfit that I’m wearing right now. Um, actually
I made the skirt this morning and the top last night. Um, and I just needed clothes
that fit me. I just wanted that feeling of clothes that actually fit my body, you know,
and not having that just, it really messed with my head. It really, really, really messed
with my head. So actually I’ve been feeling a lot more human now that I have clothes that
fit me. Now of course I’ve had to sew all of them,
which is cool in some ways, but frustrating in another. I mean, look, I went to the store
the other day, um, because um, I had basically I have like three skirts that fit me right
now and they fit two of them fit after I’d like taking them in. Um, and so I went to
the same store that I always go to get clothes, get closed and I’m so used to walking into
the plus size section. I’m so used to walking into the section with the clothes that I’ve
always been been, been fitting in. You know, a lot of times for me with plus size clothes,
really the only clothes that are in my style, um, that come out usually come out in the
fall. You know, I like a lot of velvet and leather and black, you know, um, and so fall
is usually when they try to sell those types of clothes. Um, and you know, they didn’t have that last
one. I went to the store I was looking at specifically for a black skirt because I had
this like really cute zip-up black skirt that like no longer fit me anymore and the zipper
broke and it was just time for me to get something new. Right. Um, and I, none of the clothes
fit me and it’s this weird thing where I don’t even know if I’m quite out of the plus size
range, but I know that everything I tried on did not fit and it was a really frustrating
experience because I’m so used to picking up, you know, the, the, the, the, that size
and trying it on and it fitting that like when it doesn’t happen, it just felt really
weird to me. And I don’t even know what size I am. Like I have no idea what size I am,
you know? So one of the benefits of me actually sewing
my own clothes is that they’re tailored to fit my body. Right. Um, but it would be nice
to actually go and buy clothes off the rack. Right. Um, can’t afford it now, but it is
what it is I make do, you know? Um, but anyway, that was a really weird thing. And then just
how people react to me it’s very weird as well. I think the way that people react to
me is the thing that’s gotten to me the most. Um, because you know, in my poly community
for example, there are a lot of people who have seen me for the past year and have clearly
seen me lose weight. Um, and it’s one of these things with I think, cause I keep losing weight.
Like I keep losing weight. Um, and so every time I go to an event, every time it’s been,
a lot of the events I go to, um, they are very, um, I go to a lot of events where people
are naked. Let’s just put it that way or very scantily
clad. Right? And so people do notice body changes. And you know, I um, people notice
my difference in my body, um, and it gets complimented on all the time. And mean people
are always telling me that I look so good now. It looks so much better and dah dah dah
dah dah dah. you know, Oh did you lose weight? You know, who’d you lose weight and dah dah
dah dah . And I, and it’s always framed as a positive. And that’s something I’ve had
a hard time dealing with because like I said, I’ve always really, my body and the voice
is really liked myself. Right. And so to have people suggest that a thinner me is a better
me. Um, it does mess with my head a lot. Um, and it messes with my head a lot, especially
now because when I was bigger, like I said, when I would gain weight, I didn’t really
notice it. But when I’m spasm a smaller person, now when
I gained weight, I notice it, I very much notice it. Um, and so, and I’m also the sort
of person, unfortunately, who sometimes when I’d go out and I get complimented on something
on a lot, I will change myself, you know? So, for example, I haven’t been wearing my
classes recently. Right. And why they’re not be wearing glasses recently? Well, a cause
I wanted to, you know, not have glasses on camera filming is a lot easier without glasses,
but when I stopped wearing them, I’m like, when I just tried to wear contacts, I got
complimented a lot. Right. And so, um, I start, I stuck to it. And since apparently I look
good without my classes. Right. Um, and unfortunately like when it comes to my weight loss, when
people have suggested that I look good or look better, now it’s made me hyper aware
of it in a way that isn’t, I don’t think healthy, you know, like where I will like, so the fist
couple of weeks ago I went to this party, right. Um, and it was a party. It was a mermaid.
I was, I went to a mermaid themed orgy. Okay. Okay. I went to more mermaid themed orgy and
I made my costume for it and everything was really excited. Um, but I was also very aware
of how big my tummy was. Right. Um, and so I was telling myself, oh, I shouldn’t eat
this and I shouldn’t eat that because I don’t want my tummy to look big when I’m at this
event. Right. And it’s so weird because that’s something I would never said to myself when
I was a larger size. I wouldn’t say don’t eat this cause this is going to be the result.
And so I can feel within myself the already unhealthy body negative sort of things popping
up where I’m shaming my body, um, for changing and I’m shaming my, my, my hunger for certain
things because of I’ve started to, as people have told me, I look better, equate a thin
body with a better body. Right. And I to be very transparent about
that, I don’t want to come here and lie to you guys and be like, yeah, everything’s fine.
And it’s, it’s odd because I like my body, you know, I, I believe that my body larger
is valid as you know, in the same way that my body is smaller is valid, but people will
react to me differently. And that started to mess with my mind. There was a guy who
had basically use me for sex, right. And he had sort of communicated to me after he had
sex with me. This was in my poly community after we had had sex with me that, um, he
wasn’t attracted to me. Right. And this was when I was a little larger. Right? This is
about a year ago and now that I’ve been losing weight, like, Oh, you know, you look great,
you look really good, you know, always complimenting me and three with me. And it’s such an odd, upsetting experience
because you’ve already hurt me in this one way that you know, is very deep and I’ll have
to see what all these events. But now you’re like complimenting me now that I’ve lost weight,
suddenly you’re interested. And it just really messes with me. And I already feel the ways
in which I’ve moved slightly more into desirability because I’m a little bit thinner than I used
to be. Right? Whereas before people didn’t really see me in a certain light. Now that
I’m finner people notice it. And it’s this weird thing where, again, I don’t want that
thing in my mind of your [inaudible] body is a better body. Right? And so even my feelings
around body positivity, it’s, it’s really odd and unsettling because I’m starting to
feel these ways that I know are not healthy. Right? Um, and then, I mean, I’ll be honest
with you, I mean, this is another thing and this is going to sound really bad, but even
as I start losing weight, sometimes I’ll think, why aren’t other people losing way? You know, why are other people doing that?
I mean, if you could just change this and change that, you know, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah,
Dah, and I feel so much better. So why don’t they, why don’t they make those choices and
changes? Right? And it’s that thing that you catch, you know, that that thing I’m catching
myself feeling that is terrible, you know, is based in sex, sex and body negativity.
But those thoughts are coming up. And so losing weight has been just a complicated journey
for me because I like the changes I have, but I’m still trying to find that body positivity
again because as my body changes, a lot of my thoughts about losing weight and working
out, I’ve started to change as well and I recognize that they’re not necessarily the
best ones. Right. Um, so yeah, I mean losing weight is complicated. Um, I’m still dealing with a lot of that stuff.
But for me, if anything, I know that I feel better, you know, I know that I do feel better
now than I did before and that’s what it’s all about for me. One thing I wanted to really
communicate is like, you know, when my father was yelling at me and making me feel like
I wasn’t loved because I wasn’t thin, that didn’t make me want to lose weight. I mean
maybe did it and made me want to lose weight so that I could, you know, gain his favor,
but it never lasted. You know when men called me fat and told me that I needed to lose weight
in order to be desirable to them, that didn’t make me lose weight. I might’ve started the
Diet. I might’ve started to work out, but it didn’t last. You know, because a lot of the times when
we have these conversations about body positivity, people think people say, you know, you’re
just enabling obesity. You’re just enabling this or that. For me personally, I couldn’t
even start to think about making changes in my life without loving my body the way that
it was. I couldn’t, do you know what I mean? If I started to do exercise and working out
in the context of hating myself and wanting to appeal to this standard, it would not have
been a healthy thing for me to do. It would not have been a healthy space for me to be.
It would not have lasted. The changes that I’ve made in my life are purely based on me
saying, you know what? I want to do something different. I want to be stronger. I want to
be able to eat different types of food. I just want to change. And because of that it’s
been sustainable. It’s been sustainable for me because I’ve done it for myself and not
for anyone else. Right. So yeah, I feel like I have nothing else. I can’t believe I managed
to film this video. I can’t believe I managed to get this video out of my system. It’s been hard for me to talk about this because
I genuinely, I know this may sound very confusing to some of you guys, but I have a lot of issues
around image and beauty, right? I don’t understand why beauty is a thing I owe somebody. I don’t
understand why thinness is something that I owe someone. You know? I don’t understand
why when someone finds me attractive or when someone you know, doesn’t find me attractive,
why that is the scale in which I am measured by, you know, it’s a very frustrating position
for me to be an as a youtuber who has a face and it is an influencer. Right? And for some
people is look up is looked up to, you know, a lot of you guys know that for me, I want
to be remembered for my work, not my body or my face or my beauty. Right. Um, so I have a lot of issues around
that and that’s why it was so hard for me to talk about because I hate the idea of commodifying
my appearance. I hate the idea of that being a thing that I owe someone. Um, I hate the
idea that if I come on camera without makeup, you know, some people will feel some type
of way about it or it will show that I’m not really invested in what I’m doing here. That
doesn’t rely on me having makeup on, you know? Um, so I have a lot of issues around that
and maybe I’ll do a whole video about that because honestly, I changed my parents a lot.
If you need to pay attention, I change my hair color all the time, I change my style
all the time. And I really liked that, but that’s all for me. You know, it’s all for me. It’s not for anyone
else. And so sometimes when people have to, like when I start braiding my hair, people
were always saying, oh girl, those braids Nuh-huh, you’re doing this writer in that
wrong that I did I, and it was like, I don’t want to hear that, you know, because it’s
not something I’m doing for you. You know, I’m not wearing this wig so that you can be
entertained. My work has never been about what I look like. It’s never been about what,
you know, how much beauty I’m selling you are sort of giving to you. It’s always been
about what I’m working on. As you know, in my mind and my philosophies and the work that
I’m trying to put push forward in terms of anti racism and fighting against Transphobia,
fighting against sexism and fighting it. That’s what it’s all been about. And so I’ve always had an issue of discussing
image. I’m so glad I managed to get it out, even though I’m sure I said a lot of things
people didn’t like, you know, that’s what this series is about. Me being honest and
real and not bullshitting you. I think one of the ways in which I had a hard time making
this video is because I was trying really hard to wrap it up in a message of body positivity
and body positivity did help me lose weight. It absolutely did. Loving myself at my size
and not hating my body helped me do different things. Right? And I think that ultimately
encouraging everybody to embrace themselves is going to be better longterm, you know,
for everyone. I mean, even for people who don’t want to or don’t plan on losing weight,
I think that’s the better position to take. Right. Um, you know, but I know that I need
to start making these types of videos not so that I can confirm how you guys feel or
say what you want me to say, but just say how I feel and I’m acknowledging that some
of the thought processes I’ve been having lately have not been good ones. Um, and so
I’m actually very curious to hear from those of you guys, specifically women. I mean, obviously
men, you’re always welcome to chime in, but I’m very much interested in women. How do
you navigate around this? What do you, what are you, what do you do? You know, because
I don’t, it’s weird to me how me losing weight has meant something to other people. Um, that
it doesn’t mean to me. Um, it’s just been a very bizarre thing for me to sort of experience.
It’s like me losing weight is suppose as opposed to say something about me as a person but
then also say something about, you know, how much I care about certain things. I don’t, I don’t get it. So anyway, on that
note, I will talk to you guys next week. Thank you so much for joining me for this video.
Um, I really appreciate all comments. I will be pinning my favorite comment or the comment
that makes me think the most. Right now you are looking at to fun new videos that you
can also watch. Um, I would love if you stay on this channel and kept watching true tea.
We do have a lot of very interesting, weird conversations about a lot of different things.
So if you’re interested, click on any one of these videos. And if you’re not, I will
see you next week. Bye.

100 thoughts on “Why Losing Weight SUCKS (Losing 40 lbs)

  1. "grab yourself some tea, it will help you decompose" I know this was an honest mistake but I'm cracking up picturing a dead body drinking tea to help it decompose

  2. Hey just so you know, it sounds like you were passing out because you weren't getting enough sodium, which is essential on the ketogenic diet. You NEED sodium and potassium to function normally on keto, or else you get headaches and pass out. Not that that means you should go back on it, just giving some insight as to why it might have happened.

  3. I've lost weight recently, but I don't know how, people just started asking me if I had lost weight. I don't typically weigh myself but I had to as part of seeing a doctor for HRT and my weight was lower than I remember it being when I was a teenager, and I look heavier in photos from a few years ago. That's the only real confirmation I have that I lost any. I couldn't tell you how much I lost.

    It's weird, at the time I didn't notice anything I disliked about my appearance, but when I look back at the photos of myself when I was a bit heavier I don't like how my face looks, and I prefer how I look in photographs now.

  4. I ended up losing weight because my body wasn't letting me eat without getting ill, and I lost it quite fast. Everyone kept complimenting me, telling me how healthy I looked. I didn't know how to absorb that information, considering I was quite literally starving the fat off my body. Now I'm eating again but I still find myself on my darker days wishing I was sick again so I could lose more. I'm investing a lot into dressing up to enjoy my body as it is, but I still struggle with my size and how drastically it can change in a few hours with bloating. I now am a lot more hesitant on complimenting people for losing/gaining weight, unless they tell me they've been actively trying to.

  5. Thank you for talking about this Kat.
    I have been big my whole life, and even as a child adults felt the need to say some pretty shitty things about my weight.
    In the past, I have tried potentially dangerous (okay, just dangerous) methods to lose weight. I was able to pull myself out of them before it was too late, and got too serious.
    I've very recently gotten to the point where I love myself at my size, and I'm willing to try more activities and dietary changes. I really want to get back into swimming. I loved it as a teenager and it kept me at a decent weight. I miss it so much and I want to get back into it again.
    And I agree you on wanting to be remembered for the quality of my work, and not how good I look or measured by how well I reach the contemporary standards of beauty.

  6. I have lost 100lbs for mobility and fertility reasons and it has been a rollercoaster. People commenting on my body has been the strangest feeling, people talk about it in my life…a lot. Like a whole lot because the difference is huge. I have never been so hyper aware of my body and sometimes I really miss being super ambivalent about it. The craziest side effect was I have lost 2 shoe sizes. Having to constantly deal with ill fitting clothing and totally hating clothes in general has been a serious struggle. It sucks too because my whole family is fat and they want to lose weight but cant get to that place mentally yet, so I feel like talking about my struggles with them is shitty. Weightloss sucks.

  7. You only love Teavanna best because David’s Tea isn’t as big in the US of A. The shitty thing about their business model though, their bread and butter is limited edition teas. RIP elderflower spritz and white chocolate rose. Best teas ever made.

  8. I know! Few years ago I lost a lot of weight very quickly, not intentionally, I just couldn’t eat normally for few weeks for reasons that are not relevant. I became quite skinny and didn’t feel very good, I felt weak and sad, but men were hitting on me more than usual. It made me feel that my normal weight wasn’t as attractive and that’s not healthy… it’s sad actually…my normal weight was just…normal.

  9. Thank you so much for exploring how complicated weight change can be. I personally am the heaviest I've ever been, but I gained the weight because of health issues and medication issues. It's the first time I am truly unhappy with my body. But I think it's so right that you should work on yourself FOR yourself and not as something that you owe someone.

  10. There was a period where I lost a lot of weight because I was obsessively invested in my job at the time (so it wasn't even a healthy weight loss). It felt like someone else's body and I actually became more insecure rather than more confident. Every single person and their grandmother went out of their way to tell me how much better I looked, and as a direct reaction to all the positive attention, I subsequently developed an eating disorder so… yeah.

  11. I honestly love how you talk about weightloss and working out as a means to feel stronger, to change and to be able to do the things you want to do. Because I feel that is such a healthy attitude to have, and I've been trying to implement it in my life as well. I'm not really there yet, but I'm definitely coming closer to it, and I've had a lot more fun working out when I measure my success by how much more my body can do with each week I'm consistently working out, instead on focusing how much weight I gained or lost. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while, and I'm really happy about that.
    Also now I want a post-apocalypse workout, because that sounds fun as hell XD

  12. Be careful with those body negative thoughts, when you lose weight and start developing those it can make putting back on weight more stressful and upsetting

  13. It's so funny that you made this video, because in the past year, I have been traveling to Europe at one of the heaviest weights I've ever been, and it was only after I had these really deprecating and toxic thoughts upon returning to the states that I realized that being bigger is a threat. I first went to Paris, the fatphobic capital of the world, and I truly felt so hyper-visible to the point where no one allowed me to forget that I was a 6'2", fat, Black woman. I literally had someone point and laugh at me as I walked past, and that was when this idea that my body transgresses some of the fundamental ways that many Europeans structure homogeny surfaced. I think that weight loss, especially for Black women, signifies adapting to larger hegemonic structures as if to say that because we lose weight, we've decided to participate in other respectability politics embedded in mass culture. I understand the complicated thoughts that accompany weight loss because of the weird, passive, fatphobic "compliments," but I think it's good that you're processing your own thoughts and feelings in a way that helps you stay aware and cognizant of these forms of subjugation. And you better be living your best mermaid life!!!

  14. The thing I like about working out isn’t the changes it makes to your body but how much it helps your mental state.

  15. Honestly, working out and eating healthier will most likely make you feel better in yourself. It shouldn't be a question of looking good (it is sadly) but it will make you feel better emotionally and physically. I've been overweight (mostly due to contraception, depression and thyroid issues) have had an average weight and have been underweight. I've always felt better in myself at an average weight. As you said, your sleep will improve and you will no longer feel constantly tired and groggy.

  16. God thank you so much for this video, I've lost a bit of weight recently (not because of lifestyle changes but because of uh depression probably) and have been feeling weird about it in a way that I didn't really understand until you put it into words. When other people keep complimenting you and fawning over your weight loss, it's hard not to internalize the idea that being thinner means you have more value as a person. I've also started to feel insecure about my body in a way that never even really occurred to me when I was chubbier and it's just been fucking with my head a little. Even though logically I know that everyone's body is normal and all that body positivity stuff, it's been hard to reconcile that knowledge with the direction my internal self-image has been taking, but you describing your experience which has been fairly similar to mine and articulating it like this is immensely helpful.

  17. I feel the same way about my body; I’m too big to be straight size and I’m too small to be plus size. Im anywhere between a 10 and a 16. It’s fucked up. I wanna start to sew again because I feel like it would be more rewarding and it would eliminate the frustration of shopping for a size that seemingly doesn’t exist, even though I know it has to.

  18. I have always been heavy im loosing wait now. Back in the beginning of the process again im 6'2 and around 360 lbs ive spent most my life at that wait. a few years back i cut carbs completely out at that point i dropped a lot of wait around 110 lbs in a year, at the end of that process i was shocked at how much people utterly switched on me women who had zero interest where all over me. cis straight men wanted to bro up to me all the sudden, and cis gay men wanted to do me a lot a favors. it honestly deeply disturbed me. from that point i fell back into old habits gaining all the wait back, which im just now hearing back down that scale. anyway thank you for this video.

  19. Last year I shaved my head, it was something I always wanted to do and I had done so much fun but unhealthy crap to my hair it made sense. Falling in line with every other time I had shaved part of it or cut it or dyed it some people loved it and some people hated it but I never cared cause I loved it. It was always very empowering for me to make these changes, specially as a non binary person, because when people didn't like them I felt like I was telling the world that I didn't care about being beautiful because being beautiful isn't the rent I pay to live in this world. However I am studying acting so I had to let my hair grow out, right now it's a short bob, and it's been extremely dysmorohic and uncomfortable, I finally came to the realization that I was non binary only to realize I couldn't play with my gender expression because of my passion. And having everyone compliment me has somehow made it worse. I have been getting so much more male attention (and less female attention because I guess before it was clearer that I wasn't "straight" and now I don't "look" it) and I'm not gonna lie it's nice. I don't project my value onto it but I like it, which has been very hard to admit. So yeah a lot of this video echoed in me despite being different situations

  20. Only a few minutes in and just wanted to echo the appreciative vibe for the people moderating and adding cool stuff in the comment section because you deserve some love fr sure for sure. <3

  21. Am I the only one who feels that people that make losing weight a number one goal in life, will never be satisfied with their weight?

  22. Clearly loving yourself has been the best thing overall. I completely feel that. Keep loving you! This was an amazing video. ❤️

  23. I looove tumeric tea! So nice and spicy. Recently I've been drinking a lot of turmeric chai with some milk.

  24. I have recently started losing weight because I dont have the money to buy food at work nor the time to prepare food to bring. Weight loss may have been a goal of mine, but not cuz I'm too broke to eat. One of my customers told me "wow, you've lost a lot of weight, you look good!" I was unsure how to respond.

  25. "there was a month i'm not gonna drink anything but water" hmm me staring at the camera like I'm in The Office and not drinking any juice for the past 5 years interesting.

  26. you look fine to me. this is what my doctor told me 7 years ago. you need to loose 40 pounds. to stay inside the limits of age, body frame, age and sex, but you cannot run to loose all the weight fast, he told me to loose only 2 pounds a month, after 11 months i was in my ideal weight , some months i loose 5-6 pounds. finally 160- 167, how you loose weight? well eating everything fine but less. for me it worked eating 4 times a day small things. now after years people ask me how you do it to look so fine. my answer is stay inside the parameters of your ideal weight by age, bone structure, sex and age. ( it help is we do a 20 minutes at home work out) girl beauty is pain ! best wishes !

  27. this video is beautiful, joyous
    thank you for articulating that changing what you do should be hedonist & that a lot of diet culture is backhanded compliments.

    you asked about how i deal with style, so voila:
    personally with style, i see it as art & i take cues from rainbow impressionist paintings & also skies at sunset. how i deal with the artifice of normal is i make my wardrobe & makeup look like I did put work into it or even do my makeup in public (besides foundation). when it comes to people finding me (sexually) attractive, i cringe. like sex is so weird & as a trans woman i have lived my life having my body used by others to attack or deny my mind. so maybe I'll get more open to that later but I'm still a virgin. also i stay inside a lot. im not sure how i avoid like assault but i think it's the artifice, the artsy, and niceness that help. like i think people think I'm artsy & so my gender non-conformity is part of that. frankly, I don't want to correct them, because they're halfway there & they don't give me shit.

  28. So many things that you said in this video resonated with me! I've gained and lost weight several times due to medications. It's hard to maintain body positivity when I'm also making it a goal to change my body. & I wish people would stop complimenting weight loss.. many times weight is lost due to an illness, eating disorder, time of intense stress etc and not really something to celebrate. Other times the compliments are coming from people who I don't really aim to appear attractive to, but the implication is there like you said that I'm now being judged on their scale.

    I started using a fitness app which helped switch my mindset to more fitness related goals as opposed to weight loss related ones. I usually just feel better mentally and physically when I've had a lot of activity in the day so I try to keep that up, it's definitely more motivating than when I was just unhappy with my body and wanted a change.

    (Side note great sewing skills – I was admiring your outfit for the whole video!)

  29. I'm curious from whom/where you received the notion of weight loss being "fun"? It sounds like you have conflated the pleasure people express with the results with the dieting/exercising.

    With the possible exception of those women who are constantly losing 5 pounds, significant weight loss is never easy or "fun" especially when you're in the early stages of developing new habits. I feel relatively confident no one who has lost a substantial amount of weight would characterize the early stages as "fun" or even enjoyable apart from the desired result.

    As for the way you are encountering the conflict of culturally defined beauty standards invading your own your own thoughts in pervasive and destructive ways, well… Welcome to being a woman! Women around the world are defined by their physicality as it compares to the standards of their culture while their male counterparts are, by and large, unassailed as long as they are not far (at least 2 standard deviations) from the mean.

    Women, like minority populations, are essentially emotional hostages to the cultural standards in which they exist. And like long term hostages they undergo a psychological condition described as identification with the aggressor or, in pop culture, as Stockholm Syndrome.

    In this condition, the subject (women), in the absence of the aggressor (men) will undertake the role of redressing their perception of the standards of the absent male. For example, beginning in 20th century in the United States, white women decided men find thin women more desirable than larger women. They then began to police, not only their own weight, but the weight of other women as well. Young girls minds began to be saturated with direct messaging from their parents and indirect, but by no means subtle, messaging in the culture at large via advertising, television shows and the movies.

    But, until recently, this idea was relatively foreign in the Black community. Moreover, studies have repeatedly demonstrated White people are significantly more likely to believe you can ascertain qualities of character and intellect by evaluating a person's physical appearance. Those who are viewd by the majority population as fat are often thought to be lazy, slovenly, smelly and less intelligent. The fat is viewed as the visible result of these negative traits. With these traits being intrinsic to being fat, it is then okay to publicly berate these less than people under the guise of shaming them into submission to the standards of the group and, if they happen to get a little pick me up ego boost, their own self-flagulating aside, because they are superior to the fat target; it's an added bonus.

    Had you been raised as a little girl, these feelings would be "old hat" by now. There are many destructive unspoken moraes buried in the minds of little girls which act to subjugate grown women at their own hands. See: STEM subjects and girls.

    Having said all that, hurray you! Good job on using self-awareness to recognize and eliminate thoughts/feelings which serve no other purpose than to destroy a healthy self-image and make you vulnerable to external assault. (My father did the same thing as yours when I was on the swim team in highschool)

  30. Oh, and one more thing. The reason compliments hurt is because people are backhandedly throwing shade. "Girl you look so good with your weight loss;" is simultaneously, " Girl, you used to be tore up from the floor up."

  31. Hey kat you look great omg ive been a fan for a long while , would love to see u do a video with laverne coxx are isis king .

  32. Magda Szubanski in her memoir talks about how, because of the perception that thinner is more attractive, it can also equal more effort because you’re expected to look and dress in a certain way, like how one can be expected to wear makeup to maintain that sort of base level attractiveness. Being seen, being expected to look attractive and desirable, being expected to care about your appearance, can be exhausting.

  33. There are a lot of good points here. It's unfortunate that it's so normal for people to comment on weight loss as a positive thing, because if someone is losing weight it could be healthy but it could also be a result of all kinds of negative health conditions, and that's a really personal thing. I think ideally people wouldn't comment on someone's weight at all unless they know exactly what their relationship to their weight is, like if the person has been open about their weight loss journey and wanting encouragement.

  34. Gotta get that matcha latte with skin/soy milk. Much lighter sweetness than most other starbucks shit.

  35. i wanna lose weight because there's this really hot enby i follow on insta and we have similar bone structure, but mine's hiding under the fat. like i'm cute and chubby and austere and an intellectual, but it's tight to view weight loss as an option. i'm 30 lbs down already, so i wanna just keep it going!

  36. I feel this. I've been reducing my meat intake and really increasing my veggie intake and finding it's worked pretty well for me. While not a pure-vegetarian, my meals are now a lot more interesting when I weight my meals as being more vegetable heavy (and less starchy). And as a natural result, I cut out a lot of excess sugar.

  37. it's so weird to hear my exact thoughts about my own experience after weight loss coming out of another person's mouth lol. solidarity.

  38. This. I lost over 100 pounds, not trying it just happened, and this is exactly how I feel. Learning to dress a whole new body. It's so frustrating especially when nothing fits and I completely empathize with being too broke to buy anything for this whole new figure thats shown up overnight. I don't dislike the way I look now but it's hard to feel good when the wardrobe went from heavily corseted and curvy to bagging off me. Bit of a bummer. And then when people do see me I'm sometimes not even recognized. I lost weight partially from illness and I truly hate it when I get these huge compliments because I feel like oh cool was I not cute before? The illness is like..a good trade for this look to the people I come in contact with? Very very much messes with me. Really has forced some soul searching but also really gave me like a litmus test. The way people react to my weight loss (and occasional cane) gives me a good read on them as a human.

  39. I distinctly remember when I was in middle school, I checked my weight and knew I should not be 130 lbs for my height and age. I am now 20 years old and 4'11" and I haven't weighed anywhere close to that since.

    I never had to wear plus sized cloths but my weight has never been deemed healthy for my height. I am always amazed how women like you look do much better than me despite being thicker.

    Maybe that's because I don't know if I am attractive to others. Some days I think I'm cute, and my friends say I am, but I don't know if other people think so. I've never had anyone interested in me, so for all I know I'm hideous.

    I know I shouldn't base my self value and attractiveness on other's opinions, but it's hard to know if I am attractive without people telling me I am.

    Oh!
    I lost about 15-20 pounds from my senior year of high school to freshman year of college. I was told that I looked so nice and the such but I don't think I saw any obvious changes. I have gained most of that since then, so it was like I never lost it in the first place! But its frustrating because whenever I step on the scale, I remember not that long ago the number was smaller!

  40. I'm really happy your shared your perspective because I definitely have experienced some of the things you talked about. | really hated some of the compliments I got when I lost 40 pounds. Some people kept talking about how good I looked and it did make me wonder what people thought when I was heavier. I've regained about 20 pounds, and some of it is from some poor choices, but it's also been hard work at the gym to get stronger. I've been focusing a lot on my mental health and trying to incorporate more body positivity into my thought processes. I have had some of those negative thoughts about how my body would look if I ate a certain food and that's definitely not something I thought about when I was bigger. I didn't really think about my body the way I do now. I'm pretty involved with my gym community and it shocks me to hear some of the really negative things people say about their bodies.

    I think ultimately it's important to think about the food you put in your body and thinking about food as fuel is a good thing. The body depends on the nutrients you feed it. Some people really enjoy the obsessive calorie and macro counting and if that makes you feel happy in a good day, then go for it. But I think it takes a long time to figure out what kind of food and exercise makes you feel good, healthy and happy. We're human beings and that is a constantly evolving journey. Sometimes food has to take a backseat to other issues in life and that's okay. But if you're able to change the way you think, like you said, over time you'll find your body craving different things and your thinking changing in positive ways. Being mindful of the possible negative thinking habits is important too.

  41. this is one of the first videos about weight loss that i've watched that i really related to, thank you for talking about it so candidly! i gained and lost a bunch of weight during college and i'm still sort of processing the impact it's had on my life, especially since both the gain and loss were sort of an accident (the gain was really affected by depression and cafeteria food, the loss was from working a physically intense job and starting to feed myself). the effects my weight loss had on my social & emotional life were nuts. the oft-uttered "wooow, you look great!" during appraising scans of my body from family members and the fact that i started getting hit on by weird creepy men more often really messed with my head. having to constantly be changing my wardrobe to accommodate my changing body was so stressful…I also noticed myself worrying more about what I ate, in a very bad way! the way i lost weight was not at all unhealthy, but the thought patterns that followed as I obsessed over ways to maintain+continue my weight loss certainly were. Being honest about the positive and negative ways my weight loss has affected my life seems like the healthiest and most helpful thing I can do and this video helped me keep that in mind, especially since the weather's warming up and i'm being forced to confront the continued existence of my physical body (and lack of comfortable, flattering summer wardrobe…)

  42. Huh, my personal body image journey (I lost 14 kg so far, aiming at another 4 kg, aka 31 lbs and another 9 lbs in sight) it pretty different from yours.

    As a kid I was extremely skinny and underweight at times, but back then I didn't pay attention to my body so that was never really relevant. However in my teens I got chubby (around BMI 24), except my surroundings were telling me I looked normal and didn't need to lose weight. I took this to mean that I shouldn't and couldn't lose weight so the women in the magazines were unrealistic dreams that I could never achieve. This was also part of my depression back then, thinking I was ugly and hideous. Then when I moved out and freshly stepped out of the mists of depression I just kinda started to live with my chub. I accepted that it would just always be that way and was okay with my body. Looking back I know I still avoided certain clothes or looking at pictures of me because I always looked way wider in pictures than in the mirror. I didn't feel strongly about it, I just sort of avoided thinking about my body.

    But one day I was taught that I could indeed lose weight. That I could indeed (mostly) have the body I always dreamed of, that I could indeed go down to BMI 19 and it wouldn't be a problem. In the week where I learned that I took my first selfie: My before picture. And I felt way prettier in that picture than I ever had before, because suddenly my body wasn't the enemy anymore. My body wasn't standing in the way of me looking the way I wanted, suddenly my body was my partner in getting to a certain look together.

    So I lost weight and I think I look much better now. But it feels way different when other people compliment me on it. It feels incredibly uncomfortable to have my body commented on. Like… I get to judge my body's aesthetics, but other people don't get to, it's not their place. I do think I look nicer and clothes look nicer on me, but people just talking about it without it explicitly being part of the conversation is… ugh. My boyfriend, ironically, never makes comments like that. He has indirectly mentioned that he sees that I have lost weight, but he has never even implied he finds me prettier thinner. What he does express joy over is when I say I find myself prettier, when I say my thighs have almost stopped chafing (apart from vanity that was another big reason to lose weight) and expecially when I said I now feel comfortable enough to go running with him outside. Because he enjoys sharing his running with me, even though I'm terrible at it and we need to walk big parts of the distance. If he had to pick between me regaining all the weight and me not going running with him anymore, he'd prefer me chubby but sharing experiences with him.

    I think the core of many people's struggles with weight loss related body image is that they feel weight loss will make them a certain thing. For example they hope it'll make them worthy, prettier, deserving, attractive, etc. But I think it's healthier to think about how weight loss will affect life quality. Me finding myself prettier isn't a valuable thing in and of itself, it's valuable to me because it makes me happier. My thighs chafing meant I always had to wear shorts underneath skirts (which especially in summer was horrible) and couldn't wear shorts that were too short, barring me from certain fashions, which made shopping harder, dressing harder and clothing integrity (I mean like not sweating through your dress at an event) harder. My extra 14 kg of fat were also making me warmer in summer. Losing them has made the heat more bearable and that naturally improved life quality, while not costing any, because I haven't gotten noticeably colder in winter. I have bad feet, so my ankles, knees, hip joints and back will also be happy they don't have to carry that weight anymore, safeguarding my joint-related life quality down the line.

  43. I'm glad your weight loss has been making you feel good, Kat! I've always been a fat kid and during the recession I ended up losing a lot of weight (mostly poverty driven). It was almost universally awful for me. My clothes were falling off of me and I didn't recognize myself in photos. I had to go thrifting and couldn't afford to get much. The way my bones looked without the additional weight was bizarre. I just wasn't built for it. Then there were all the horrible comments people made, I received way more unwanted attention when I was used to being ignored.

    You know it works that way, and you know that's what people think, but living it is a whole new disturbing experience. They objectify you even more and them dangling the privilege of being perceived as more attractive in front of you more often makes you constantly aware of how craven everyone is. It really makes you feel like shit, and since I knew my weight was probably going to go back up and restabilize once I could eat regularly again, I knew these "benefits" would be whisked away – I didn't want them, but it's a disgusting experience either way.

    It's not really about the positive or negative of either status, but the fact that no matter what, if you're known as a fat person you're branded and people will treat you as lesser regardless of how you look or weigh at the time. Like what are you even supposed to do? To get rid of the stigma altogether I'd have to get skinny, stay skinny permanently, and also migrate to a town where nobody knows me! That's the bar!

    So I really relate to the cons you brought up and I'm relieved I'm not alone in it. Losing weight isn't just like, dropping a big pair of pants to reveal your new form and prancing around like in a commercial lmao. Thanks so much for your content, Kat!

  44. TW: chronic illness For me weight loss was totally beyond my control. I have pcos and other chronic illnesses, about two years ago I started treatments and cut out sugar and weight was just falling off. To a point where my hair started shedding, this happens every time I lose weight quickly it’s called telogen effluvium, yes I’m blessed, yes this also happened in middle school when I had a stomach flu and lost almost ten pounds in a week. If only just started being okay with my bigger body (I went from about 150 to about 115 and I’m 5”2) and suddenly my body was changing, it was like a second puberty cause I was finally getting a period again after almost four years. I’ve always been bad at exercising. From when I was about 11 and we started running a mile I had trouble. My joints hurt, I couldn’t breathe, I got light headed. I didn’t know how to get help for that, I just hated gym. Turns out I have severe asthma and some undiagnosed joint pain and issues with autonomic dysfunction. It took over a decade to start getting diagnosed, and much more problematic it took losing weight for doctors to test me. I’m still trying to figure out a way to work out, the only things I’ve ever loved doing is ballet and that’s harder as an adult, and though I’m very flexible I have huge amounts of joint pain and instability. I am on treatments for most of my illnesses now, but I still have body issues, and more challenging I still have lung pain, I still am short of breath most of the time, it’s been hard.

  45. I just started a "get fit" plan. Partly on Dr.'s suggestion but also because I've been wanting to get stronger and been wanting to join this j-fashion called lolita (nothing like the book). One of the things that kinda kept me from pursuing eating healthy and exercising was the way it felt the first time someone commented on my body when I lost weight in my late teens. I had always been a chubby kid, but in my late teens my family and I became homeless so didn't have a steady supply fo food so I wasn't eating as much and we didn't have a car so I was walking to get around more. And one day someone at our church who didn't know all this had happened said something like "oh you lost some weight you look good!" it felt so weird for someone to talk about my body that way and knowing that I hadn't done anything on purpose to change, but she thought I had, and I didn't want to explain the whole can of worms in the church courtyard… I just didn't want to feel that way again. I didn't want my body to be open to comment from random people in my life.

  46. I've recently gained a couple pounds seemingly overweight and it freaked me out. When i was in 6th grade, I started to get really uncomfortable with the way my legs looked. I would often compare myself to others, and I still do. It's really frustrating to see that I feel gross with my current weight despite being healthy.

  47. tw for talk of eating disorders

    im in this position where im unable to lose weight. at the height of my eating disorder i was eating 600-900 calories a day and i was working out for around 30 minutes to an hour. it lasted 5 months and i only lost 20 pounds. now i work retail and im on my feet 4 1/2 hours a day. i dont eat an excessive amount of food, just whatever keeps me full. those foods are very sugary and full of carbs but they also have protein and i eat a good amount of fruits and veggies cuz i like those too. i dont even eat that much more than i used to when i wasnt working out and i havent lost any weight.

    i no longer have an eating disorder but i look at my body very negatively because my image is rooted in attractiveness and to me attractiveness is being extremely thin. and it isnt even that i care that much about being attractive or consider being thin the only way to be attractive. its that i know attractiveness affects how people treat you and thinness is what people generally think is attractive. coming from that angle and perspective the ultra body positivity of "just love yourself" is actually really difficult and unhelpful. even if i can love my body i know most other people dont and im not going to lie to myself about that. more than body positivity we need a large scale change of how we view bodies, attractiveness, and other people. and thats going to be hard but i think its more valuable than just advice about loving yourself

    i dont have a good conclusion to this since i havent really figured this stuff out. working retail has made me feel a lot stronger and better. im quitting due to health concerns but i dont want to stop being active entirely. i want to work out at least an hour a day and do a combination of walking and dancing since im enjoying those things. im also working with my therapist on the body image so i can get to that point of valuing other peoples opinions less and valuing my body more. shes great and im working hard so i know itll all work out but body image is definitely something difficult for me to deal with and an issue i think about a lot due to these experiences. im hoping i can get to that point of not needing to commodify my appearance and just loving my body as it is.

  48. I recall when I lost a bit of weight, I had people who I'd never had a conversation with walk up to me and compliment me on my weight loss (they were regular gym goers who I had seen around there a few times). It made me feel so /watched/. Like I know it was a compliment but when someone you've never interacted enough notices you enough to /see/ a change in my body… shudder Feels gross. So I get what you mean by the way people treat weight loss. It's like a creepy cult where we are all expected to be thin and love the praise of it.

  49. dang your hair is amazing
    not relevant to the video I just felt it needed to be said, such a vibrant colour

  50. i've changed the way i eat because im worried about my arthritis and about ending up with type 2 diabetes

  51. I’m a non-binary person/transmasc and do NOT pass, so I’ve experienced a lot of women-targeted messages about weight. It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life (though I’ve managed to avoid having too much for my height), especially seeing my very large father whom I mostly take after. I did Calories In, Calories Out for about a year: measuring portions, logging calories and macros, etc. It did become a disorder – I would feel guilty about eating what I craved and would spend hours trying to get all my macros balanced. I have a nut allergy and was vegetarian at the time, which made it so much harder. I definitely judged people by their body (and now have to fight those thoughts). But when my fiancée was surprised at how long my calorie/macro budgeting was taking, I realized that it was becoming unhealthy. I saw a Registered Dietician (a certified doctor, not someone with a Google degree) and she told me that honestly it’s a bad idea to follow “general” ideas about nutrition, especially since the food pyramid has been disproven. That while people can definitely eat themselves into a bad place, their body isn’t always a reflection of that. Plenty of skinny people eat like shit and have a thyroid disorder that makes them not gain weight (and be constantly hungry), or they have Celiacs and they’re literally not absorbing what they eat and nutritionally starving. There are overweight people who have a thyroid disorder where they hyper-store fat, or PCOS that causes the same issue. Ultimately, you don’t know a person’s health by looking at them and it’s none of your business. Additionally only weight gain of over 20lb in 2 weeks is worrisome (at my height) and 10 loss in 2 weeks is bad. Make sure you have protein, fruits, veggies, and don’t restrict yourself from groups entirely, just moderate (I had to stop being vegetarian). I still struggle with my body from a dysphoria perspective and a worry of it spiraling out of control (also clothes ARE expensive and I don’t want to buy more???), but I try to focus more on the what instead of the how much when it comes to what I eat and try to exercise for the way it makes me feel instead of trying to lose certain areas of fat.

    Also, I know you asked more for women’s perspectives, but cis men do face messages about their body (you gotta be HELLA BULKY), it’s just very different (no fat vs fat in all the right places). I bet cis Bears would also have an interesting perspective most cis men who aren’t Bears don’t have.

  52. I am in the opposite (and yet, similar) situation. I'm underweight (both perceived socially as underweight, and in the medical sense), since my teenage years. I'm not sure why exactly. It might be tied with my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or to me being intersex (hormonal condition), or to eating disorders, and it's probably a mix of all that. I'm also under-musculated.
    I separate the two because it doesn't necessarily go hand in hand (people with conditions similar to mine have too much fat, but not enough muscle, and me I have not enough of both).

    I have lots of things to say of this topic, so…
    Underweight stigma exists too, and it ALSO leads to bullying (relational and physical), social exclusion, unemployment (more than average), as well as little things in daily life (random people as well as family who repeatedly say that "you should gain some weight", "you don't like food", "you would look better with more muscle", "you should do sports"… Well, YOU should MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS). Underweight people are also often assumed to be anorexic, sick, poor, gay (if they're male), and so on, which is another "problem" socially.
    There's also the fact that, being underweight, I'm perceived as "weak". And so, it's unconscious but people assume they can walk over me. In public transportation, when we're seated, normal weight cis able-bodied people almost ALWAYS manage to take too much space, making me cramped on my seat. I'm underweight so I don't even take up all the available space, and they STILL manage to invade my personal space. Because they just don't have any respect. And yes I said "normal weight people", not overweight people (who sometimes take space but it's not their fault, it's the seats who are not made for them, and besides overweight people tend to TAKE CARE of not taking too much space, while normal weight people just don't care). And in conversations and regular interactions it's the same dynamic.
    Being underweight also means you don't feel "normal", you see and know that your body is not like the majority, and for me, it was also being self-conscious about going to the swimming pool or the beach, feeling like everyone was looking at me (and while most people just don't care about others, there ARE people or groups who are looking with judgment or even mockery).

    So, underweight stigma is a lot of little things, as well as some big things (like bullying, physical violence and job discrimination).

    And too often, in liberal and leftists circles, we can't talk about it without being accused of trivializing fatphobia, or "playing victim" about something we're priviledged about. And to be fair, there ARE underweight people who belittle overweight and fat people, mostly because they are insecure about themselves and want to value their own thinness, and so they attack fat people. Which is completely wrong and oppressive and stupid and just mean. There are also overweight and obese people who are aggressive (even physically, in school) towards underweight people, for similar reasons (they want to take out their frustrations on someone else, they envy underweight people, etc).
    And yes, there are also some underweight people who DO trivilize fatphobia with shitty discourses like "Hey you shouldn't complain, we're oppressed too and we don't complain" which is also wrong (just because YOU choose to endure your oppression in silence doesn't mean others have to do the same, and also it's not a competition of who suffers the most).

    On the other hand, most people (both in the leftists/feminist/liberals circles and in "general" society) think that underweight people have the same privileges as normal weight people (which is just not true), and that talking about underweight-phobia automatically means diminishing fatphobia. No, of course not, we can talk about both, fight against both, and preferably together. Because let's face it, underweight and overweight people often face very similar bullying, very similar discrimination and shitty behaviors (people assuming things about our lifestyle, body, money and health, giving unsolicited and unfounded "advice", pushing us to become normal "for our own good"…). And often it cames from the very same people…

    Non-activist and non-politicized people won't talk about "thin priviledge", but they will say things like "You're lucky to be thin". Lucky ? Like, seriously ? I'm lucky to have Ehlers-Danlos ? Or eating disorders ? Or now (since 2018, when I moved out of my parent's) to be broke (which makes it even more complicated to eat enough and well) ? Or to live with underweight stigma ? Or to not have strength (which is a detail on its own, but adds to my overall disability) ? Do you want to switch with me ? Moreover, I didn't ask for your opinion so mind your own business (again).

    But, anyway. Now, my intersex hormonal condition, as well as EDS and vitamine deficiencies, I might get treatment for (it's not yet decided, I have to do more checkups). So,
    1 ) I might have to take testosterone (which is a complicated topic in itself, for me), to avoid medical risks (like cancer). Not sure, yet. And if I do take T, it will likely cause me to gain muscle.
    2 ) Testosterone or not, the doctors have said that I need to gain more muscle. I have a mild scoliosis, and if I gain muscle, I won't suffer from it, but if not, I will suffer pain in my 40s/50s and later.
    So, one way or another, I will likely have to gain muscle as well as overall weight.

    And… I'm not sure I'm happy about it. On one hand, it would allow me to have more strength and do more things (sports that I like doing would be easier for me, for example). I would also, likely, feel more comfortable in my male gender and masculinity (another complex topic, being intersex and disabled…). And of course, it would be good for physical health and the scoliosis thing.

    On the other hand, I like my body as it is. While underweight stigma can be hard (and I was actually bullied about it in middle-school), I still learnt to love my body. Like "my body is like that, it won't change, so let's accept it". And I developed a reasonably good body self-image. But, changing my body shape and image is frightening.

    There's also the gender thing. I am male, I live as a male and am perceived as a male (now). But I'm not a cis male. I'm actually different from them (in hormones, hormone-driven behavior (*), socialization and body shape among other details), and while I was indistinguishable from cis boys in childhood, I became different from them in pre-teens. I'm biologically different. And while being male is important is my identity, THIS is also important in my identity. It's so important that for a period, I identified as genderqueer. Then, I changed my mind (genderqueer doesn't fit… but regular cis man doesn't fit either). And so, I DON'T want to look like a regular cis man.
    And, if I gained normal weight and muscle, I feel like I would become indistinguishable physically from them (from the outside), and my own identity would be erased in the process. Just thinking about it triggers dysphoria in me.

    Actually, now, I have gender dysphoria both when I'm not acknowledged as a man (or when I feel like I'm not masculine enough), and when I'm just lumped in with cis men without acknowledging that I'm different in some ways.

    So, just like weight loss is not necessarily all roses, gain weight when you're underweight is not necessarily either (even if people want you do do it).

    (*) Yes I know that most of gendered behavior is the product of socialization, but hormones also play a role, both are deeply intertwined actually. Social norms of manhood are defined around men who have normal sexual hormones levels for their age, and who behave accordingly, so their behavior is normalized and encouraged.

  53. But thinner you is the one that can survive the apacolypse, which is what you what your wanted, right

    I should finish the video before commenting

  54. Hi, i'm a big fat trans woman ( approx 300 lbs ) and i struggled with food and eating and eating food because of chronic homelessness, which inspired my eating disorders.
    I had trouble even starting to watch this video.
    It has given me some thoughts on relations to food, what i can do to help my food issues, and why i want to lose weight, so that's good.
    ….
    I was at a Torrid and a Lane Bryant this mnth, and nothing there fit me well. Either it made me look like a giant circus barrel, didn't fit over my shoulders, or didn't fit over my chest. My response was stress eating. Not useful.

  55. I've also been struggling with my weight. More struggling to maintain a healthy weight from being too small. I've been diagnosed with hypoglycemia and the doctors don't know why I can't maintain a normal blood sugar. My blood sugar will drop too low and I will literally lose Consciousness. Which could be fatal. I have to eat 3000 calories a day in order to maintain my body weight, but I feel like I have to overeat in order to get those 3000. People can't really seem to understand what I'm going through. Also have to avoid avoid junk Foods as there's only enough room in my stomach for calorie-dense Foods. If I eat too much junk food I won't get enough healthy calories for the day and I will lose weight over time. it only takes about 7 days for me to lose a couple pounds. Other people like oh you're so lucky, not realizing that if I miss a couple meals for a couple days I am dangerously low on blood sugar. People see my dietary choices and they judge me as if I'm depriving myself or assume I'm only dieting to loose weight or have a great body. they don't realize that I eat as much food as I can physically fit into my body every single day….. AND I'M STILL HUNGRY! I can't eat 5 cupcakes… Its all sugar and leaves me hungry in 15 minutes. But 5 apples and half a jar of almond butter leav me satisfied for 2 hours. I'm not saying no thanks to Cupcakes because I think I'm better than you, I'm saying no because they don't feed my appetite adequately and take up room in my stomach and prevent me from sitting an adequate amount of nutritious food

  56. I spent years since I was in preschool (5 years old) being called a bunch of stuff or getting excluded from games and interactions because of my weight, according to my classmates. And I as well looked back at my photos and going "I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly… Why did I have to go through this?" I was never rude, never loud, never disrespectful. Writing this still breaks my heart a bit. When I finally got 12 I started doing the work for myself, I was "one of the boys", baggy trousers, baggy t-shirts, long hair that looked like a curtain, poor hygiene and I precluded myself from many experiences basically unconsciously, because even though I was definitely managing to not be fully absorbed by gloom and pain, I had alienated myself a bit from other people. I sort of created my own world. I interacted but only to a certain extent. I to this day don't have very good conversation skills and I think that the issues with my curvy body and weight played a part in me wanting to look androgynous. Many subtleties in m behaviour and way of thinking have been shaped by this aspect of my life. I then gained some confidence at 19 and when I lost weight (due to veganism and bowel issues) over a couple of years, I now look back and ask myself if I ever got that weight back would I still be that confident? I fear the idea of gaining 5 kilos, even though I lost 30. It really left a mark on me, and yes, the thing about still trying to shop in what is now the wrong section of the store or size is a very weird mechanism. It tricks you. And altering all of your clothing is a great chore to deal with. Mind you, I would have never thought of being as I am now when I was a kid, but damn I wish I hadn't had such a warped view of myself. I think my concentration problems are caused by being concentrated more on how others perceived and talked about me rather than lessons. And now that I get compliments, I feel both flattered and disgusted. Why was I less pretty when I was bigger? I still was fucking hot. The only way I can go about it is slap my brain whenever a judgy comment arises in my thoughts and preach body positivity to those who are too deaf or dumb to truly understand it. Btw I'm 23 going for 24, and you sew really well.

  57. Have you tried thrift shopping? I'm trans (afab- trans masc but nb) and I also lost about 10kg over the past 1.5yrs which obviously makes it difficult to workout what size I am- I always sort of felt guys pants sizes were a wild card for me (and women's too because I'm very curvy) and now it's even harder to pin down. Thrift shopping has taught me just to look at the item because often size tags aren't visible or cut off or just many different brands/countries so they're unreliable. Definitely recommend it because it's helped me understand my body a lot more and obviously good for the environment and the wallet .

  58. This is a great example of de-linking aesthetics from health. Everyone is worthy, all bodies are valid, everyone will be considered beautiful by someone! That does not invalidate the fact that working out makes you feel better and caryying less weight is good for your system and enables you to do more things. Loving your body enough to treat it well and fuel it with good things is amazing, and you're a great example for that!

  59. Proper hit home when she talked about college and the 'you're fat' talk, in school I thought I was huuuge, all the other girls were teeny because they're teenage girls- it made me think I had to change, I stopped eating and focused everything I had in 'being thin!!!' but looking back at myself I was thin, I was perfectly normal but oh my God I can't even fathom how much I damaged myself. Nowadays I go to the gym 3 times a week, watch what I eat but enjoy it too, praise the Lord for the love of thicc- at 5ft2 and measuring 34GG-28-36 I really like myself. My BMI is 28- by any means obese but I always get the same schpeel off the docs – 'you' re a large chested woman with a small waist and you're petite- no worries' I walked into a gym asked for a trainer and he says 'so, um, you' re fat…. ' never took the word of a trainer since. Been heavy, been tiny but my boobs and bum have never changed that much – enjoy the body you're in because as long as it's healthy and fighting fit what does the size matter?! Xxxx

  60. I've lost a shit ton of weight thanks to medical complications (and unhealthy eating behaviours) and people will not stop commenting on it. I'm already an insecure woman and hearing comments just makes it so much worse. I don't know why people think commenting on someone else's size is appropriate at all. I'm slowly starting to accept parts of myself, but over the past few years I've only gotten more and more pissed off at societal beauty standards, especially coming from cis men. I was meant to feel like shit for so long because of what men find attractive, instead of focusing on how I want my body to look.

  61. Yes! 33:00 to the end! I started crying because I've been confused my whole life by this stigma of having to dress a certain way or be a certain size due to owing it to world. Thank you for voicing this. I can't wait to read the other comments.

  62. My favorite flavors when I worked there were the Honeybush Lavender, Slimful Chocolate Decadence, and Jasmine Oolong. I honestly miss working there so much cuz of how much free tea I got from it.

  63. After this video fam I don't even know, do I hate my body? Am I okay with myself? I wanna lose some tummy fat but I still value myself but my mom doesn't but I don't diet but I don't hate myself do I only like what others think of me?????
    I don't even know how to start thinking about this I feel so behind 😭 😵

  64. You look like a normal BMI in that college photo. Not understanding how you were supposed to be overweight. I have lost 60 pounds and I still feel the same from when I was a mega fat (I'm short). When people tell me I'm not fat, I don't believe them. In all reality I could still stand to lose 15-20 more pds. I don't feel any different and see the same person in the mirror. People who haven't seen me in years act shocked when they see me. Sometimes I find myself looking at plus size clothes and then realize none of this will fit me. Looking at old photos is the only time I can really see the difference. Even if I were underweight I'd probably still see myself as fat. This is probably due to being called fat so many times in my life, particularly by my parents and boyfriends. When you are told you are something for years, you tend to believe it, even if you change. Sometimes I still avoid going to social situations on a day that I am feeling "fat". Some days I wake up and feel great about myself but more often than not I still avoid mirrors. I get a ton of compliments about how pretty I am, and in all reality I know I do not look like an ogre, but none of those compliments undo the years of being told that I was basically disgusting by the people that I loved since childhood.

  65. Such an important point about working out and PE etc. being especially hard when trans due to changing rooms and single sex sports .

  66. Yes! The clothes!
    I recently gained some weight (well, 6-7kg over the course of a year or two) and I hate that my clothes don't fit well anymore. I don't want to just replace my whole wardrobe. Actually, the only reason I want to work out is to fit my clothes. (It also has an environmental factor, I don't want to discard and replace everything, because I try to buy things to last)

  67. The same thing happened to me. I lost 100 pounds cuz of an eating disorder. There was a moment when people would NOT stop talking about how I looked. It was like 5 times a day at school. It really fueled my eating disorder too. Like bitches really wouldn’t shut up about it

  68. Losing weight is crazy. Like going from a big girl to a slim girl is lowkey traumatic. You really begin to understand how much thin worship is going on. At the same time, you get further and further into it

  69. i really didn´t like losing weight at all. I felt like people who had been treating me like a normal person before, suddenly saw me as sex objects. And people started showing a lot of interest in me who have been incredibly mean before. I feel a lot safer when i´m chubby, because I feel like the superficial people who only care about physical beauty will not even approach me

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